As I zipped my last suitcase shut the night before the first Catholic Feminist pilgrimage, I turned to my husband and with a typical-of-me overdramatic sigh, said I am never doing this again. 

Our pilgrimage partner is the absolute best at ironing out details, so it wasn’t that. I had the childcare lined up, so that wasn’t an issue either. And my passport was up to date—I’d quadruple checked, thanks to 8 thousand reminders from my Extremely Organized Father. 

But I was nervous. 

Nervous as hell, and that’s probably an appropriate comparison because there’s no reason why I should have been nervous to go spend two weeks in one of my favorite countries with a bunch of fierce, faithful feminists. But I was! I was so nervous I almost threw up at the airport. I’m a sit-down-and-drink-a-margarita-while-talking-the-spiritual-life kind of girl, not a GrOuP lEaDeR. What if people thought I was lamer in real life than I was on the podcast (which, for the record, is true)? What if I got too introverted + exhausted and accidentally snapped at someone? What if our tour guide didn’t show up? What if people paid four thousand dollars to have the worst trip of their lives? What if someone got COVID? What if—what if—what if. 

That trip—those two weeks in October of 2021—completely reinvigorated my faith.

I walked away from the Catholic Feminist Pilgrimage feeling restored + refreshed in spirit. 

And when 2022 hit, which was the hardest year of my life, I frequently drew upon that well. 

I remembered my prayers in Lourdes; I texted spiritual sisters I’d eaten beautiful French breakfasts with; I flew across the country to see a family that’s become a dear friendship. I remembered the overwhelming feeling of grace that washed over me as we sang an acapella Good Good Father in an ancient chapel and the trek uphill to Notre Dame de Grace in Honfleur. I remembered the goat cheese, the glitter of the Eiffel Tower against the night sky, and the absolute belief that what my friend and co-leader Kathryn had been telling me for months was true: the Lord will craft this trip, and who is meant to go on it will be there. 

I had been so focused on the what ifs. But what if…God used that trip to strengthen my heart for a difficult journey ahead? What if he allowed me mountaintop experiences and celebrations, if I put down my pride long enough to enjoy them? What if he knew I needed an army of faithful Catholic sisters in my corner, and saw fit to provide me with a few more? What if he wanted to encounter me in new ways, in hidden old chapels and Lisieux cafes? 

The day after I got home, I turned to my husband again. But this time, I asked if he’d be okay if I did another trip in the future. 

I’m planning another pilgrimage, and I’m happy to tell you I’m taking my friend’s advice this time around: knowing that the Lord has his hands on our trip and who is meant to come will come. So I wanted to extend that invitation to you: is God asking you to zip up a suitcase and renew your passport? 

 

As I zipped my last suitcase shut the night before the first Catholic Feminist pilgrimage, I turned to my husband and with a typical-of-me overdramatic sigh, said I am never doing this again. 

Our pilgrimage partner is the absolute best at ironing out details, so it wasn’t that. I had the childcare lined up, so that wasn’t an issue either. And my passport was up to date—I’d quadruple checked, thanks to 8 thousand reminders from my Extremely Organized Father. 

But I was nervous. 

Nervous as hell, and that’s probably an appropriate comparison because there’s no reason why I should have been nervous to go spend two weeks in one of my favorite countries with a bunch of fierce, faithful feminists. But I was! I was so nervous I almost threw up at the airport. I’m a sit-down-and-drink-a-margarita-while-talking-the-spiritual-life kind of girl, not a GrOuP lEaDeR. What if people thought I was lamer in real life than I was on the podcast (which, for the record, is true)? What if I got too introverted + exhausted and accidentally snapped at someone? What if our tour guide didn’t show up? What if people paid four thousand dollars to have the worst trip of their lives? What if someone got COVID? What if—what if—what if. 

That trip—those two weeks in October of 2021—completely reinvigorated my faith.

I walked away from the Catholic Feminist Pilgrimage feeling restored + refreshed in spirit. 

And when 2022 hit, which was the hardest year of my life, I frequently drew upon that well. 

I remembered my prayers in Lourdes; I texted spiritual sisters I’d eaten beautiful French breakfasts with; I flew across the country to see a family that’s become a dear friendship. I remembered the overwhelming feeling of grace that washed over me as we sang an acapella Good Good Father in an ancient chapel and the trek uphill to Notre Dame de Grace in Honfleur. I remembered the goat cheese, the glitter of the Eiffel Tower against the night sky, and the absolute belief that what my friend and co-leader Kathryn had been telling me for months was true: the Lord will craft this trip, and who is meant to go on it will be there. 

I had been so focused on the what ifs. But what if…God used that trip to strengthen my heart for a difficult journey ahead? What if he allowed me mountaintop experiences and celebrations, if I put down my pride long enough to enjoy them? What if he knew I needed an army of faithful Catholic sisters in my corner, and saw fit to provide me with a few more? What if he wanted to encounter me in new ways, in hidden old chapels and Lisieux cafes? 

The day after I got home, I turned to my husband again. But this time, I asked if he’d be okay if I did another trip in the future. 

I’m planning another pilgrimage, and I’m happy to tell you I’m taking my friend’s advice this time around: knowing that the Lord has his hands on our trip and who is meant to come will come. So I wanted to extend that invitation to you: is God asking you to zip up a suitcase and renew your passport? 

 

Sarah Cortez Chooses Select International Tours

About the Author

Claire Swinarski is the author of multiple books, including What Happens Next (coming in 2020 from HarperCollins) and Girl, Arise: A Catholic Feminist’s Invitation to Live Boldly, Love Your Faith, and Change the World. She’s also the creator of the Catholic Feminist Podcast, a top-ranked spirituality podcast with over one million downloads that discusses the intersection between faith and women’s issues. Her writing has been featured in The Washington Post, Seventeen, Vox, and many other publications. She lives just outside of Milwaukee, WI with her husband and two kids.

Join Claire Swinarski on a Pilgrimage to Poland in 2023! More details are available HERE.

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